Work.

I tend to be under-prepared for everything in my life. I had a math test a few weeks ago that I didn't even study for until 2 hours before it began. Not only that, but I hadn't been to a single class, nor did I even know what the material would be until the day of. I got an A. This isn't anything unusual. I know I am intelligent, and my natural ability to thrive under pressure coupled with my inner sloth has served me well in the past. I procrastinate and ignore everything until it's absolutely crucial that I get my act together and do what needs to be done. In 25 years, I have never felt guilt over this. I didn't take that math test and then thank God for bailing me out of my laziness when I managed to get a good grade. Instead, I imagine I probably said something along the lines of, "F*** yeah, I'm awesome." 

In fact, I have often been arrogant and proud of my "I don't have to work that hard to get what I want" attitude. I've barely lifted a finger unless it was for self-satisfaction. (I have always held jobs, but never anything substantially difficult. I worked hard in retail because I enjoyed it. Had it felt like work to me, I probably wouldn't have lasted 4 years in it. ) The last month has really done a number on me, and with all of the late-night crying sessions I have had alone in my room, I have come to one very sobering realization. I don't like myself. Now, let me clarify before anyone gets uppity over that sentence. I know that I am created by a loving and selfless God and that He made me in His image. I know that in His eyes, I am perfect. However, I have spent many years living my life as though that knowledge was my excuse for living an unhealthy lifestyle continuously. As long as I still showed up to church on Sunday and put on the Christian appearance on the outside, I could do no wrong. What I should have been doing instead, was using that knowledge of how God sees me to fuel my desire to actually be that person. It should have made me want to make Him proud.

I was under the impression that no one could tell where my heart was as long as I kept up appearances. But I was so very wrong. I've been called a hypocrite more times than I can count and when I was living in denial I would argue to the death that I was no such thing. But it's true. I was. And when God is trying so hard to save you and make you His, he makes the truth pretty visible to the people around you. He does that so they can help you, so they can hold you accountable, so they can be His instruments in your life. I've often heard the phrase, "Be the change you wish you see in the world." and it applies even more to this situation when I realize that I need to be the change I wish others to see in me. If I am not living my life the way I am saying/acting like I am, people will be able to see that, and they will call me out on it. And thank God for that. If no one ever called me out on my garbage I would still be so very lost.

While I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be, I am still struggling with letting go of that person. It is hard because sin feels good. It always has and it always will. The commitment required to avoid sin and truly change your life is so much more intense than anything I have ever done. I have never honestly worked for anything in my entire life and now here I am trying to commit to the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought that I had changed my life a few years ago when I took my internship, kicked my cocaine addiction, and became a youth leader. And in some ways, I had. I genuinely became a kinder person and I found the desire in my heart to seek the relationship with Jesus that I had been neglecting for years. But there was so much more to it than that. First of all, I did not understand that it would not be a finite process. There is no end of the road. I will never be exactly where I want to be or be done growing in this relationship. That is a hard pill to swallow, especially for someone with zero work ethic.

Grasping the reality over the last few weeks that the process I began with my internship isn't over and in fact will never end has been extremely challenging, but at the same time, enlightening. It helped me to discover that while I may have eliminated the major barriers to my personal salvation, I still have things about myself that I truly need to change. I need to spend more time investing in myself and in my faith. I have slipped up on drinking a few times over the last few months and I don't want to do that anymore. I absolutely need to stop swearing, I am awful about that. I want to become a person that focuses on the Word when I am tempted to do other things and works hard for everything she has. I want to forgive more than I do, because I know that I have needed forgiveness so many times and without it I would not be here. I need to do the same for others, especially the ones it is hardest for me to forgive. I need to find the courage to tell people how I really feel and ask for help when I need it. I need to be vulnerable, even though it has gotten me more hurt than anything, because the pain reminds me that I have made progress. That I have changed. I am no longer this cold, wasted person that can't let anyone in or feel any emotions. I am lost. I am warm. I am scared. I am hurting. But I am here, and I feel so much more than I ever have before.