Access.

In the days and weeks that pass between my blog posts, I like to think I grow extensively. That each post I write will have some new insight, some epic realization about the grand meaning of life or what I am going to do with myself next. What I have realized instead is that I become more broken with each passing minute. And while it is hard and scary, I have come to terms with it, recognizing that it was at my most broken time in life that I felt the closest to God and that in order to get back to that place I need to again be completely destroyed. I tend to hold onto every shred of my identity I possibly can, forgetting more often than not that I am not my own person, but instead a child of God and every feature is His and not mine. I wrote just 3 short weeks ago about letting go of myself and allowing God to work within me and yet here I am again, still unable to figure it out. The greatest trial in my life is figuring out exactly how to figure it out. Sounds like using the word you are trying to define in the definition, but it's honestly the truth. I just can't seem to get a grip on what I am supposed to be doing in order to lose myself in Him. I find that I am making dumb decisions at an increasingly rapid rate and instead of being still and letting Him stir my heart, I am constantly moving, attempting to get the water boiling myself. 

I fill my life with prayer. From start to finish of every day I find myself talking to God about everything from a lost shoe to swift healing from an illness. And people. My goodness do I pray for people. A few people in particular have been hard on my heart the last couple months and it is getting more difficult with each prayer to stay receptive to God's plan over my own. I often feel like I know what is best for everyone when in fact I can barely take care of myself. Although I was gifted with being able to preach and touch the hearts of others, it seems hypocritical at times because I am giving out advice like it's going out of style and heeding none of it myself. Luckily, in my prayers I have asked many questions about the people I care about and have been given answers that make my heart happy. I love knowing what God has in store for special people and waiting to see Him just rock their world when they least expect it. I need to start living like that. Without expectations. 

I spoke to my youth group a couple weeks ago and was definitely floored by the way God showed up and did some serious work in the room. I have terrible stage fright, so I spent the majority of the day trying to remain calm and go over my notes and pray over my message. The last two hours before I speak are always brutal. In this case, I paced the hallway outside the youth room, shaking like a leaf, and summoning every ounce of my strength to not run to the bathroom and puke. It's a total God thing that I can make it through a message without fainting. Somehow, that night, I found it in myself to encourage everyone else to begin living without expectations, but was unable to listen to myself. Have you ever had that feeling in church where you think you know the perfect person that needs to hear the sermon, but completely brushed it off as though the message wasn't for you? I do it all the time. I did it that night. I didn't realize that while God was speaking through me, He was speaking to me. 

I preached about not setting yourself up for failure by having your own idea of perfection. Not expecting a cookie cutter dream guy/girl or the perfect job or a giant house or everything always going the way you plan. I preached about finding the beauty in God's plan for your life and always leaving your heart completely open to receiving His gifts. A lesson I needed to learn very much apparently, because in the days since preaching this message, God has wrecked me with a million examples of how I need to stop having a 50/50 heart. When your heart is half open/half expecting there is no room for God to fulfill His desires for your life. He has half the space He needs to bless you and half the space He needs to move in you. 

I have found myself the last 3 weeks traveling as often as possible to take my mind away from home. To be anywhere but here. To feel anything but this. Visiting tons of old friends and trying to find again that girl I lost so long ago in the midst of trying to do what I thought was the best. And here I am. Realizing I had never gone anywhere was a tough thing. Because with that came realizing that I had simply allowed myself to be taken over by selfishness and disobedience. Even while living a Christian lifestyle, my heart was completely closed to anything but my own thoughts of what my life should be. So I find myself now a ghost of who I was before. Trying to reclaim my life for God. Trying to wake the dead in me. I am lonely, I am hurting, and I am wasted on fear and heartbreak. But it is in that pain that I allow my vulnerability to shine. I am no stranger to giving into temptation and self-serving desires, and it has come so close to ruining some of the best things to ever happen to me, even things that are God gifted, all because I insist on doing it my way instead of having the patience to do it His. But I have accepted my flaws and forgiven myself and am committed to going back to square one, to the root of the problem, which is not allowing God to have unlimited access to my heart. Every month, Netflix withdraws $8.99 from my bank account so that I can watch unlimited streaming movies. I would be pretty upset if I paid that money and only got access to half of what I paid for. Jesus died on the cross for me and my sin so that he could have unlimited access to me. To this heart. It's about time He gets what He paid for.