Work.

I tend to be under-prepared for everything in my life. I had a math test a few weeks ago that I didn't even study for until 2 hours before it began. Not only that, but I hadn't been to a single class, nor did I even know what the material would be until the day of. I got an A. This isn't anything unusual. I know I am intelligent, and my natural ability to thrive under pressure coupled with my inner sloth has served me well in the past. I procrastinate and ignore everything until it's absolutely crucial that I get my act together and do what needs to be done. In 25 years, I have never felt guilt over this. I didn't take that math test and then thank God for bailing me out of my laziness when I managed to get a good grade. Instead, I imagine I probably said something along the lines of, "F*** yeah, I'm awesome." 

In fact, I have often been arrogant and proud of my "I don't have to work that hard to get what I want" attitude. I've barely lifted a finger unless it was for self-satisfaction. (I have always held jobs, but never anything substantially difficult. I worked hard in retail because I enjoyed it. Had it felt like work to me, I probably wouldn't have lasted 4 years in it. ) The last month has really done a number on me, and with all of the late-night crying sessions I have had alone in my room, I have come to one very sobering realization. I don't like myself. Now, let me clarify before anyone gets uppity over that sentence. I know that I am created by a loving and selfless God and that He made me in His image. I know that in His eyes, I am perfect. However, I have spent many years living my life as though that knowledge was my excuse for living an unhealthy lifestyle continuously. As long as I still showed up to church on Sunday and put on the Christian appearance on the outside, I could do no wrong. What I should have been doing instead, was using that knowledge of how God sees me to fuel my desire to actually be that person. It should have made me want to make Him proud.

I was under the impression that no one could tell where my heart was as long as I kept up appearances. But I was so very wrong. I've been called a hypocrite more times than I can count and when I was living in denial I would argue to the death that I was no such thing. But it's true. I was. And when God is trying so hard to save you and make you His, he makes the truth pretty visible to the people around you. He does that so they can help you, so they can hold you accountable, so they can be His instruments in your life. I've often heard the phrase, "Be the change you wish you see in the world." and it applies even more to this situation when I realize that I need to be the change I wish others to see in me. If I am not living my life the way I am saying/acting like I am, people will be able to see that, and they will call me out on it. And thank God for that. If no one ever called me out on my garbage I would still be so very lost.

While I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be, I am still struggling with letting go of that person. It is hard because sin feels good. It always has and it always will. The commitment required to avoid sin and truly change your life is so much more intense than anything I have ever done. I have never honestly worked for anything in my entire life and now here I am trying to commit to the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought that I had changed my life a few years ago when I took my internship, kicked my cocaine addiction, and became a youth leader. And in some ways, I had. I genuinely became a kinder person and I found the desire in my heart to seek the relationship with Jesus that I had been neglecting for years. But there was so much more to it than that. First of all, I did not understand that it would not be a finite process. There is no end of the road. I will never be exactly where I want to be or be done growing in this relationship. That is a hard pill to swallow, especially for someone with zero work ethic.

Grasping the reality over the last few weeks that the process I began with my internship isn't over and in fact will never end has been extremely challenging, but at the same time, enlightening. It helped me to discover that while I may have eliminated the major barriers to my personal salvation, I still have things about myself that I truly need to change. I need to spend more time investing in myself and in my faith. I have slipped up on drinking a few times over the last few months and I don't want to do that anymore. I absolutely need to stop swearing, I am awful about that. I want to become a person that focuses on the Word when I am tempted to do other things and works hard for everything she has. I want to forgive more than I do, because I know that I have needed forgiveness so many times and without it I would not be here. I need to do the same for others, especially the ones it is hardest for me to forgive. I need to find the courage to tell people how I really feel and ask for help when I need it. I need to be vulnerable, even though it has gotten me more hurt than anything, because the pain reminds me that I have made progress. That I have changed. I am no longer this cold, wasted person that can't let anyone in or feel any emotions. I am lost. I am warm. I am scared. I am hurting. But I am here, and I feel so much more than I ever have before.

Access.

In the days and weeks that pass between my blog posts, I like to think I grow extensively. That each post I write will have some new insight, some epic realization about the grand meaning of life or what I am going to do with myself next. What I have realized instead is that I become more broken with each passing minute. And while it is hard and scary, I have come to terms with it, recognizing that it was at my most broken time in life that I felt the closest to God and that in order to get back to that place I need to again be completely destroyed. I tend to hold onto every shred of my identity I possibly can, forgetting more often than not that I am not my own person, but instead a child of God and every feature is His and not mine. I wrote just 3 short weeks ago about letting go of myself and allowing God to work within me and yet here I am again, still unable to figure it out. The greatest trial in my life is figuring out exactly how to figure it out. Sounds like using the word you are trying to define in the definition, but it's honestly the truth. I just can't seem to get a grip on what I am supposed to be doing in order to lose myself in Him. I find that I am making dumb decisions at an increasingly rapid rate and instead of being still and letting Him stir my heart, I am constantly moving, attempting to get the water boiling myself. 

I fill my life with prayer. From start to finish of every day I find myself talking to God about everything from a lost shoe to swift healing from an illness. And people. My goodness do I pray for people. A few people in particular have been hard on my heart the last couple months and it is getting more difficult with each prayer to stay receptive to God's plan over my own. I often feel like I know what is best for everyone when in fact I can barely take care of myself. Although I was gifted with being able to preach and touch the hearts of others, it seems hypocritical at times because I am giving out advice like it's going out of style and heeding none of it myself. Luckily, in my prayers I have asked many questions about the people I care about and have been given answers that make my heart happy. I love knowing what God has in store for special people and waiting to see Him just rock their world when they least expect it. I need to start living like that. Without expectations. 

I spoke to my youth group a couple weeks ago and was definitely floored by the way God showed up and did some serious work in the room. I have terrible stage fright, so I spent the majority of the day trying to remain calm and go over my notes and pray over my message. The last two hours before I speak are always brutal. In this case, I paced the hallway outside the youth room, shaking like a leaf, and summoning every ounce of my strength to not run to the bathroom and puke. It's a total God thing that I can make it through a message without fainting. Somehow, that night, I found it in myself to encourage everyone else to begin living without expectations, but was unable to listen to myself. Have you ever had that feeling in church where you think you know the perfect person that needs to hear the sermon, but completely brushed it off as though the message wasn't for you? I do it all the time. I did it that night. I didn't realize that while God was speaking through me, He was speaking to me. 

I preached about not setting yourself up for failure by having your own idea of perfection. Not expecting a cookie cutter dream guy/girl or the perfect job or a giant house or everything always going the way you plan. I preached about finding the beauty in God's plan for your life and always leaving your heart completely open to receiving His gifts. A lesson I needed to learn very much apparently, because in the days since preaching this message, God has wrecked me with a million examples of how I need to stop having a 50/50 heart. When your heart is half open/half expecting there is no room for God to fulfill His desires for your life. He has half the space He needs to bless you and half the space He needs to move in you. 

I have found myself the last 3 weeks traveling as often as possible to take my mind away from home. To be anywhere but here. To feel anything but this. Visiting tons of old friends and trying to find again that girl I lost so long ago in the midst of trying to do what I thought was the best. And here I am. Realizing I had never gone anywhere was a tough thing. Because with that came realizing that I had simply allowed myself to be taken over by selfishness and disobedience. Even while living a Christian lifestyle, my heart was completely closed to anything but my own thoughts of what my life should be. So I find myself now a ghost of who I was before. Trying to reclaim my life for God. Trying to wake the dead in me. I am lonely, I am hurting, and I am wasted on fear and heartbreak. But it is in that pain that I allow my vulnerability to shine. I am no stranger to giving into temptation and self-serving desires, and it has come so close to ruining some of the best things to ever happen to me, even things that are God gifted, all because I insist on doing it my way instead of having the patience to do it His. But I have accepted my flaws and forgiven myself and am committed to going back to square one, to the root of the problem, which is not allowing God to have unlimited access to my heart. Every month, Netflix withdraws $8.99 from my bank account so that I can watch unlimited streaming movies. I would be pretty upset if I paid that money and only got access to half of what I paid for. Jesus died on the cross for me and my sin so that he could have unlimited access to me. To this heart. It's about time He gets what He paid for.